Friday, January 12, 2007 9:52 PM
Its coming to a year eversince its all gone! It hasnt been easy for me,I struggled hard,endured all the pain that it took to bring me back to who really am. Most thought that im really okay,perfectly fine but nobody has ever seen me on my weak and fragile side. Maybe coz I never showed,I'd prefer giving bogus smiles than to frown! Im always standing up strong and straight but how many people out there know whats going on IN me? Im not all that you see,there are lots that you've not seen. There was once that I felt tired of being strong,tired of smiling,at that instant I felt like giving up everything and just go to a deep sleep. I really felt like I have had enough,more than enough. Im pushing myself way too much,im beyond my limit! Ive always been an optimist until it happen. I started to judge things differently,my confidence was nil and suddenly I felt soo scared of losing. I feel so empty for once,it was soo terrible. I felt really really scared..I remmeber dreaming that I was closed in a lift in a 30 storey building. I had nothing with me then,I was stucked inside for DAYS! I cried for help but nobody heard me,I saw no way out,no light,NOTHING EXCEPT FOR DARKNESS! I was enveloped in bleak darkness..I starved for days,I did not have water even and I even pee inside. That dream did tell me that yes im afraid of being alone. I admit at times I do look back and hope for something but all that are nothing except for illusions n imaginations! SIMPLY THAT! Probably thats all I can do or rather I should say that's what is left here for me. Its not gonna be the same again in reality.
Im scared of committing myself into the same thing again. I dont want to be hurt again but love is all about being hurt? I have had experienced something that I never thought I would experience,at least not with YOU. It took mee soooo sooo sooo long to at least see that there's always a brighter side,after all tmrw is just another day. Im actually scared of falling into the same ending again. It has really changed my mindset. I think its coz I really wanted something GREAT out of my last relationship but it turned out to be totally opposite. I was really trying but YOU dont seem to see it or coz I never told you. I just wanted to feel free being with me..free in sucha way that you still know I do care for u but i guess im a FAILURE in that. Ive trusted u 100% but Ive failed to see that in YOU towards me. All I wanted for was ur love,care and trust and nothing more than that. Ive never asked for more and never wnated more from u,I feel contented even by just looking at YOU! Ive always felt your love in my heart though we may be distant apart and if you wanna know Ive always cherished it. THE WHOLE THING! I really do miss the past but then I know we must always look forward to the future thus Ive decided to let things go. That was probably one of the hardest and most heartbreaking decision ive ever made. Time is indeed the best healer and my conscience is the best judge! Emotion has taken over my conscience for once and NO im not letting it happen again. I jsut wanna live with wahtever I have now and not expect for so much coz I REALLY DONT WANNA FEEL THE PAIN AGAIN.
It was bitter yet sweet! I'd rather retain the sweet so what when I think back again I'll not feel that terrible. At least I know I was once loved by YOU who was a big part of my life then. It also explains why Ive never hated YOU though I was really pissed n hurt by your words. I know im not PERFECT or maybe not even GOOD and u may think that its sucha stupid decision to be with me. Whatever it may be I'll just take it as a sweet past and the memories will always be buried in me.
JeSS loves you!
